#18
To: Joan
From: Sonny
Tuesday, 21 Jan
Dear Joan,
It never entered my mind that I would one day be writing to you from a place such as this! I've been searching my soul to try and understand if it's the right thing to do, and I've come to the conclusion that I'll never have peace of mind if I didn't take the opportunity to let you know how I feel towards you, and also to explain - with the help of a Robert Service poem (pg 3) - a little of myself.
Since you went home to Cleveland, I've been searching for some way to put you out of my mind. Although I must admit that all my thoughts haven't been kind towards you, I still know that I love and cherish the memory of you. (Especially your smile.) I find that the longer I am away from you, the worse it hurts. I suppose that Iām a little late in making this declaration, but it takes a strong traumatic experience to snap one out of his ignorance. Deep in my heart I feel that I'm making this declaration, not from a sense of futility, but from a sense of deep love for you. For the first time in my life my sense of loss is taking me close to desperation. Not the desperation of one who sees no way out except to end it all, but the utter, bitter desperation of a love lost.
Maybe you'll be able to find the time to come and see me. I realize that this place is a little out of the way, but maybe....
There is also the possibility that you'll never receive this missive, since, up to this point, I'm being held incommunicado in a little cell somewhere in Hermosillo, Sonora, Mexico. And to make things all the worse, I haven't the faintest idea where or how to get ahold of you since I haven't any of my address books with me. Go to page 5.
The Men That Don't Fit In - Robert Service
There's a race of men that don't fit in / A race that can't stay still / So they break the hearts of kith & kin / And they roam the world at will.
They range the field and they rove the flood / And they climb the mountains crest / Theirs is the curse of the gypsy blood / And they don't know how to rest.
If they just went straight they might go far / They are strong and brave and true / But they're always tired of the things that are / And they want the strange and new.
They say: "Could I find my proper groove, what a deep mark I would make!" / So they chop and change, and each fresh move / Is only a fresh mistake.
And each forgets, as he strips & runs / With a brilliant, fitful pace / Its the steady, quiet, plodding ones / Who win in the lifelong race.
And each forgets that his youth has fled / Forgets that his prime is past / Til he stands one day, with a hope that's dead / In the glare of the truth at last.
He has failed, he has failed, he has missed his chance / He has just done things by half.
Life's been a jolly good joke on him / And now is the time to laugh.
Ha, ha! He is one of the Legion host / He was never meant to win / He's a rolling stone, and it's bread in the bone / He's a man who won't fit in.
As soon as it is possible I'm going to write Diane at the office and ask if she has anyway of contacting you. I've already had the American consular leave a message for you on my answering service, in the event that you try to get in touch with me. (Hope against hope!) In fact, I'm going to write Diane right now with a list of things that have to be done. Maybe you could get in touch with her and see if you can help with any of the tasks I've given. You could help immensely by talking to Dennis in Washington. I've already given thought to that, and it's possible he may be able to come up with money to help me out of this situation. It won't take much (about 6 to 8 thousand) to get me out of this situation. That would mean that I would probably only have to do 9 months to a year in the States on a parole violation. If I can't fix the situation here, then I have to have to look forward to 2 to 12 years here and then my bit in the states. I could even live with the time here if I could look forward to having visits with you occasionally. Oh well my love, that's the gist of it to this point.
As I mentioned to Diane in my letter, Tommy owes me some money. If you can get him to come up with it (about 1500 dollars) take it and get yourself situated in an apartment. The most important thing is that you are take care of.
If you like, you may have everything that is in the apartment for your place. I would like you to keep everything for me, or put it in storage - whichever is easier for you. I do need some clothes as we are forced to wear our own clothes here, and unfortunately, I only have one pair of jeans and two shirts with me. Everything else has mysteriously disappeared. I also need some reading material, particularly part II of William Manchester's, The Glory and the Dream.
Sunday 27 Jan.
I'm still trying to get my letters in the mail. I've now been transferred to the penitentiary, so now it is possible to write, the only problem now is the store doesn't have any stamps in stock. Maybe I'll be able to get some tomorrow.
As I've said before, I've written to Diane and given her some information and a few things that must be taken care of for me. If you receive this letter, please get in touch with her. Aside from the clothes that I asked her for, I could also use my tennis shoes, shorts, and a bathing suit. (One thing there is around here is a lot of sun.)
I hope that you are alright, and that your life is a little more organized now. I hope you'll remember some of the conversations (the lucid ones!) that we've had, and make sure you lead your life according to your precepts and wants and not others.
I love you very much Joan, that will always be true.
Take care,
Sonny