#116

Author unknown / found in The Player’s collection

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Sun. Oct. 22, ‘78

What is the story?

Today I woke up in a weird mood. Actually Jay woke me up in a weird mood - MAD!

To quote him. He really wasn’t mad he says - what then - I was thinking of John today. Why? I guess I wanted him in some say or the ecstatic feeling he gave me - the shit included - I could take it. I had had enough of it at the same time - but still the feeling - the intense feeling of joy - of want - of desire!

Unbelievable. Unknown to me before - what is he doing this very minute - at 7pm on a Sunday night. Most likely screwing around. 2 years has gone by - Actually 2 years, that is a long time. I wonder if he ever thinks of me.

I will get in touch with him again. Why? I don’t know - but I think of it - so I must be true to myself & my feelings. So what can I say - John Plackno!!!

The feeling I feel now about Jay is strange. I don’t feel as good - Am I being taken advantage of - Does he think I’ll always understand what he gives to me is little - minimal - no $ really, no time, no

I sit here with Jay -
Why? I don’t know. This is weird. Let me help myself - What am I doing? I don’t know!

Maybe someday I will feel it. Let me see - I can’t keep this up. I love my mom - She loves me - I can always go there.